So it's been a long time since I've written my thoughts on here. I think that's because it's been a long time since I have allowed my self to think.
Thinking brings fear, uncertainty, sadness.
So much has happened. I knew that Dave was going to die, I just thought that we would have longer together. Time to prepare - if you ever can - both emotionally and practically.
It seems impossible to think that a year ago we didn't even know that he had MND and yet now he is gone.
Why is it that when those we love die, we think only of the things that we didn't do or didn't say but should have or the the things that we did do or say but shouldn't have.
My biggest regret is that I was more of a Martha than a Mary, putting so much effort, energy and emotion into caring for him that I actually didn't sit still enough and just be with him.
And now he's gone
And I can't make it up to him
What is daft is that it was easier to be with him when we were alone
But we were so rarely alone
And I so wanted to believe that we would have a long time
Now I have so much time but no Dave to share it with.
So many jobs to do - some well within my capabilities but many I have never done before - yet I don't have the incentive or energy to do them.
I consider getting out of bed an achievement, walking the dog is like completing a level. Anything else is a big NO!
Scared to leave my house.
I don't want to be alone but when friends call I want to be alone.
How ridiculous is that?
So many things to sort out but where do I start?
I need to start caring for the garden, maintain the cars, decorate the house, sort out the finances - not an easy task when your income is a bereavement benefit and half of your husband's pension!!
Then there's still family to visit and care for.
All this when getting out of bed is an achievement.
I would be lying if I said that faith hadn't waivered - but the fault is mine.
I know that God is waiting there for me to turn back to Him,
I know that this is my Footprints - that if He wasn't carrying me I would have sunk so much lower.
I don't know if I am truly at my lowest ebb yet but I do know that I am finally trying to lift myself up.
