Well here I am again - trying to sort out my head, my life and my emotions.
Talking to a computer is so much easier than talking to a person. Maybe because it doesn't contradict or answer back.
I cannot believe that it is over six months since Dave died. It seems like yesterday and yet at the same time it seems like a lifetime ago.
In some aspects I have travelled a long way and in others I haven't moved at all - may even have gone backwards.
Losing someone close changes you beyond recognition - you are no longer the person you were or the person you may have been at any point in your life. You are a new person - most likely not one that you are comfortable with.
You also see the world in a different light. This can be good and bad. You definitely have a greater empathy for other people's losses that you may not have had before. You also understand why those who have never lost a loved one have absolutely no understanding of your grief or what you are going through.
What is different though when you lose a loved one to a destructive illness?
I have a friend whose father dropped down dead unexpectedly a year ago - she was unprepared, she is still in shock, has not fully accepted the reality and is not ready to move on.
Another friend lost her mum a year ago after a long illness - not unexpected but still she is unable to come to terms with it, is full of guilt which prevents her from accepting her 'new' life.
So how do these observations help me and how do they differ from my situation.
Dave was diagnosed just over a year ago - so I knew that he would die - it was not unexpected except that it happened much quicker than we had been advised. So there is still shock and a lack of acceptance and an inability to embrace my new role in life and all of the new responsibilities that I have.
The biggest difference, I think, is that I cared for Dave at home, watching him deteriorate with alarming speed, watching and sharing his fear, pain and suffering. Unable to reach him as he shut us out with his own denial. Those 6 months are a blur - hospital visits, health professionals, change of routine, so much medical equipment, lack of sleep, exhaustion.... The list is endless.
My biggest coping mechanism was not to think - just perform.
You discover inner strengths that you never knew existed and are capable of more than you could ever imagine. Many friends and family were a part of this journey - others just dipped in.
And the hardest part was knowing that when it ended my world as it had been would end too.
I had been told after Christmas - when Dave had the feeding tube and the breathing machine and the downstairs bedroom that we had about 3 months - they were right although I didn't believe it at the time. But I found that if I thought we had 3 months from each day - a sort of rolling 3 months - then I could cope - I could keep up this relentless regime for 3 months without cracking. I could be positive for Dave for 3 months. I could handle this for 3 months. And,in my head, my 3 months started every morning.
Only in reality it didn't - the days of the 3 months were ticking past.
So when the inevitable happened what did I feel - numb, guilty, angry - yes all of that but also a sense of relief. Dave was no longer suffering and my treadmill had stopped allowing me to rest.
So much had happened in the 6 months since diagnosis - it had seemed like an eternity and yet it had actually whizzed by.
Now as I look back at the last 6 months I realise that it is as much of a blur as the 6 months of Dave's illness. I have filled it with numerous things - some by choice whilst others were forced on me. My coping mechanism is still not to think - so I engage in mindless activities, watch comfort TV, or have continuous sound so I can follow that instead of allowing my brain to work.
And how do I feel? Well I still feel guilty - did I do enough, was it somehow my fault... again an endless list.
The numbness is wearing off - this is not a good thing as I now feel continual pain.
The sense of relief disappeared incredibly quickly to be replaced by more guilt and a hole where Dave had once been.
I am trying to come to terms with the new me, the new life and the way people relate to this new person.
I am making myself face the world when all I really want to do is hide away, hibernate, be absorbed into nothingness.
I find it difficult to understand that people have judged me from my actions in the early days when I was just existing. I think that it says more about them than me but it hurts.
It is strange that many think that I should be moving on - after all it's been 6 months!!
Again it says more about them.
The hole in my life seems to be growing at the moment as we approach Christmas; Dave's favourite time of year; and his birthday. I'm sure that is true too for my sons and step-daughters.
So how long is 6 months been - a lifetime or a spit in the ocean?
The last 6 months has been both.
And what of the next 6 months which will take us up to the anniversary? What will they hold? How fast will they travel? Will we have learnt to accept and cope? Or will we still be as raw and vulnerable as we are today?
I just don't know.
