So alone

I hope that it doesn't seem as though I am always moaning. I am sure that there are many people who have reached my stage in life and think, "This isn't what I expected."
I'm not even sure that I envy the people who don't think that.
I can accept many things without complaint - well perhaps a little - but this lastest turn of events is definitely the most difficult.
I really was looking forward to some quality time with my husband - getting more involved with our church, our community, perhaps fostering, helping and caring for my parents, visiting friends and family and perhaps a holiday or two. Instead I watch him deteriorate daily, struggling to cope and to understand. I'm able to help physically, doing the food, dressing, drying and shopping but he won't share his emotions. I can't decide whether denial is positive or what. It helps him but I know that it doesn't help me. There are a lot of unpleasant issues which need sorting, which we need to discuss together while he is still fairly well not wait until it is too late. Things that I can't discuss with anyone else - finances; what happens when I can't cope physically with helping him into bed or when he can't eat properly and swallow; funeral;hospice, cars. I still haven't filled in the forms for carers allowance or tax benefit.
Into this we must try to live, make memories have fun but it's so difficult when all he wants to do is watch TV or do a sudoku.
I am more gregarious, I need company but I don't want to leave him. We are very blessed that we have so many friends who call round and just chatter.
I haven't even thought about Christmas - not sure how I'll get that organised as well as taking over the food.
Some days  I just want to find a hole and cry - other days I can talk candidly and openly in such a way that it might seem as though I don't care.
Last night I couldn't even send messages to my sons without tears streaming down my face - today I have met a friend for coffee and gone shopping without a tear in sight.
I think that the hardest part is feeling so alone. It doesn't matter how many friends and family are around or however much I actually do speak there is still so much that is left bottled up.

So tomorrow we go away, visiting family - first time staying away since diagnosis. No place to hide - brave face 24/7 - but at least I can try and relax a bit - build up my reserves.
With prayer and praise we will win through

This isn't what I had expected

So, here we are again, trying to put thoughts into words, expressing emotions for all the world to see in an attempt  to cleanse ourselves and prevent ourselves from going mad.
I genuinely don't know how much more I can cope with.
Firstly - the most devastating news imaginable - my husband has an incurable degenerative illness - motor neurone disease. So you try to get your head round it whilst trying to be positive and deal with the ever changing circumstances. Add to that the fact that all my sons have finally left home for uni - so I have to deal with this all alone because my husband won't accept the diagnosis.
So I wonder about what the future will hold and am I strong enough to cope - emotionally and physically.
I want to cry but where and how - I don't want Dave to know. Pressure builds - so head hurts.
Then as it all starts to fall to pieces - two close friends lose a parent - making me realise how frail mine are but they're so far away and I can't care for them and my husband and I could lose them all within the next 2 - 5 years - will I even have that long?
Then my cooker packs up, my washing machine doesn't spin properly, my fridge keeps filling with water as it defrosts itself, I want to tell someone how I feel but don't want to moan and everyone has enough problems of their own.
I'm really not coping with trying to do everything and being strong for everyone. Christmas needs to be sorted, visits need to be done, I can't go out and do my own thing or the things I would have normally done. I feel like a headless chicken. I want to cry all the time - I don't want to think but I have to - someone has to. No-one really understands - they couldn't.
I can't cope with any more emotion - I cry at the thought of putting my dog in the kennels - my emotions don't seem to count though - everyone thinks I'm being silly.
I need a release - contact with people - the outside world - so I use the ever present social network but apparently I comment too much - straw which broke camel's back - kick someone when they're down and prove that you don't understand.
I know God is out there, I know He cares, I know He wants us to stand strong and praise Him and believe me I'm trying but I am failing full scale. I want a hole that I can crawl in to.
I have never felt like this in my life - I would rather it was me than have to watch him suffer. I am so scared and feel so alone. So maybe I need to tell the world - maybe I can help others by being honest about how I feel - I can't be an ostrich - this is real - and God will take Dave and I through it but I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve - so if you are reading this - sorry and thank you. Please feel free to comment and to pray for us.