So alone

I hope that it doesn't seem as though I am always moaning. I am sure that there are many people who have reached my stage in life and think, "This isn't what I expected."
I'm not even sure that I envy the people who don't think that.
I can accept many things without complaint - well perhaps a little - but this lastest turn of events is definitely the most difficult.
I really was looking forward to some quality time with my husband - getting more involved with our church, our community, perhaps fostering, helping and caring for my parents, visiting friends and family and perhaps a holiday or two. Instead I watch him deteriorate daily, struggling to cope and to understand. I'm able to help physically, doing the food, dressing, drying and shopping but he won't share his emotions. I can't decide whether denial is positive or what. It helps him but I know that it doesn't help me. There are a lot of unpleasant issues which need sorting, which we need to discuss together while he is still fairly well not wait until it is too late. Things that I can't discuss with anyone else - finances; what happens when I can't cope physically with helping him into bed or when he can't eat properly and swallow; funeral;hospice, cars. I still haven't filled in the forms for carers allowance or tax benefit.
Into this we must try to live, make memories have fun but it's so difficult when all he wants to do is watch TV or do a sudoku.
I am more gregarious, I need company but I don't want to leave him. We are very blessed that we have so many friends who call round and just chatter.
I haven't even thought about Christmas - not sure how I'll get that organised as well as taking over the food.
Some days  I just want to find a hole and cry - other days I can talk candidly and openly in such a way that it might seem as though I don't care.
Last night I couldn't even send messages to my sons without tears streaming down my face - today I have met a friend for coffee and gone shopping without a tear in sight.
I think that the hardest part is feeling so alone. It doesn't matter how many friends and family are around or however much I actually do speak there is still so much that is left bottled up.

So tomorrow we go away, visiting family - first time staying away since diagnosis. No place to hide - brave face 24/7 - but at least I can try and relax a bit - build up my reserves.
With prayer and praise we will win through