So, here we are again, trying to put thoughts into words, expressing emotions for all the world to see in an attempt to cleanse ourselves and prevent ourselves from going mad.
I genuinely don't know how much more I can cope with.
Firstly - the most devastating news imaginable - my husband has an incurable degenerative illness - motor neurone disease. So you try to get your head round it whilst trying to be positive and deal with the ever changing circumstances. Add to that the fact that all my sons have finally left home for uni - so I have to deal with this all alone because my husband won't accept the diagnosis.
So I wonder about what the future will hold and am I strong enough to cope - emotionally and physically.
I want to cry but where and how - I don't want Dave to know. Pressure builds - so head hurts.
Then as it all starts to fall to pieces - two close friends lose a parent - making me realise how frail mine are but they're so far away and I can't care for them and my husband and I could lose them all within the next 2 - 5 years - will I even have that long?
Then my cooker packs up, my washing machine doesn't spin properly, my fridge keeps filling with water as it defrosts itself, I want to tell someone how I feel but don't want to moan and everyone has enough problems of their own.
I'm really not coping with trying to do everything and being strong for everyone. Christmas needs to be sorted, visits need to be done, I can't go out and do my own thing or the things I would have normally done. I feel like a headless chicken. I want to cry all the time - I don't want to think but I have to - someone has to. No-one really understands - they couldn't.
I can't cope with any more emotion - I cry at the thought of putting my dog in the kennels - my emotions don't seem to count though - everyone thinks I'm being silly.
I need a release - contact with people - the outside world - so I use the ever present social network but apparently I comment too much - straw which broke camel's back - kick someone when they're down and prove that you don't understand.
I know God is out there, I know He cares, I know He wants us to stand strong and praise Him and believe me I'm trying but I am failing full scale. I want a hole that I can crawl in to.
I have never felt like this in my life - I would rather it was me than have to watch him suffer. I am so scared and feel so alone. So maybe I need to tell the world - maybe I can help others by being honest about how I feel - I can't be an ostrich - this is real - and God will take Dave and I through it but I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve - so if you are reading this - sorry and thank you. Please feel free to comment and to pray for us.
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