So why is it that I wake up feeling quite positive but am not able to transfer that feeling into action.
Here I am at gone midday still sat on my bed in my pjs despite having been woken at 9am by the dog jumping on me.
Okay I have fed the dog and the fish and - a big improvement on yesterday - made myself coffee and breakfast but that is all.
I call my bed Comfort Zone 1 - my first target for each day is to leave it and if possible stay away from it until bedtime. I tend to sit here and 'live' through my laptop. I 'talk' to other people whose lives have been hit by MND or play games that don't involve the thought process so that I can numb my brain.
Comfort Zone 2 is my armchair - I feel good if I reach here - change of scenery - watch the tv or brush the dog but there will still be some internet connection about so that I can dive back into my virtual world.
Comfort Zone 3 is a big step into the conservatory - very calming watching the birds and looking out onto the garden.
The problem with 2 and 3 is that from them I can see all of the jobs that I have failed to tackle and really need to do something about, which is why I frequently return to number 1
I have been told that all of that is normal so I don't worry too much.
What is really strange for me is that I am totally on my own. I can't remember being this alone for years and is the reason I spend most of my waking hours attached to my laptop - it is my addiction and my friend.
I only saw and spoke to one person in the flesh yesterday - and that wasn't by choice - I bumped into them while walking Elly. They didn't know about Dave so it wasn't the best encounter.
I had three telephone calls and the rest was online.
Is that why I don't move and do things because I feel I'm not alone when I am clinging to the virtual world. Do I need to love my own company more?
So let's see if I can call on that greater strength and leave the virtual world alone until this evening and actually achieve something today.
After all Today is the first day of the rest of my life!
God bless you.
And please - although I find this therapeutic in itself - it would be nice to know that I really have sorted out my settings correctly and there are others reading it and perhaps being encouraged.
Sunday, 28 July 2013
Saturday, 27 July 2013
A widow's tale - life after MND
All it takes is a text or a short message on here to let someone know
that you care - so many do care, and I am truly blessed by the number
of people who are here for me, but so often it is those who we hope will
care that are too busy to reassure us. Can you tell that I'm having a
down day?
I have truly been amazed by the help and support that I have received from unexpected quarters. Sometimes just a text or message on Facebook that lets me know that I am not alone and that someone somewhere is thinking about me. But somehow, when you feel down, raw, tender and sensitive, that is not enough to counteract the disappointment that comes from the fact that it is those I love who have failed to be there.
I cannot begin to explain how much I am struggling or how disappointed I am in myself for not being stronger. For example uless someone is physically here in the house with me I find it almost impossible to walk out of the door. If I am on my own, I find it hard to do anything especially if it requires thinking - which is probably why I have done so little on here.
So I haven't cleaned my house, I haven't cooked myself a meal, I haven't mown my lawns, I haven't read a book, I haven't even watched the tv!
But if someone is here with me you would think that I am doing fine. I laugh, I talk, I function.
Please can someone explain why this grieving process gets harder and not easier?
I thought that I was doing okay by facing things asap - but actually that doesn't seem to have helped.
I want to be strong for my boys, they need me. They mustn't feel responsible for me because they must learn to live their own lives with this strange new normal which has been thrust upon them.
The girls have their families, which I hope helps them to cope because they too have to be strong for their children but they have their husbands to lean on, who can be strong for them.
My sister in law also has her husband to support her when she wobbles.
I love them all dearly and would be so lost without them - what I am missing is someone I can lean on - someone who is there to be strong for me. But that was Dave - and that is the reason that I am in this stupid state - he has died, he has gone and I miss him.
I'm lucky because I have my parents still but I have to be strong for them too.
They want so much to help but they are so far away and it is difficult to get them here - and would it really help if they were.
I have to go through this - I genuinely don't think that postponing it helps. So I come back to - Why is it getting harder and who really cares when I am sat on my bed at 3 o'clock in the afternoon unable to motivate myself.
The answer is God. My faith has not wobbled at all during all this past year - what has changed is that I find it hard to pray, read my bible or go to church but I know that God is there carrying me, gently supporting me.
So when people let me down, I bring them to God knowing that He will never leave me and that He has a plan for my life.
Sorry that this has been so negative - I think my counsellor would say that it is all part of the healing.
God Bless you all.
Just read my second ever blog - almost a year ago - it's amazing how much has changed.
I wonder will I ever be strong and cope on my own?
I have truly been amazed by the help and support that I have received from unexpected quarters. Sometimes just a text or message on Facebook that lets me know that I am not alone and that someone somewhere is thinking about me. But somehow, when you feel down, raw, tender and sensitive, that is not enough to counteract the disappointment that comes from the fact that it is those I love who have failed to be there.
I cannot begin to explain how much I am struggling or how disappointed I am in myself for not being stronger. For example uless someone is physically here in the house with me I find it almost impossible to walk out of the door. If I am on my own, I find it hard to do anything especially if it requires thinking - which is probably why I have done so little on here.
So I haven't cleaned my house, I haven't cooked myself a meal, I haven't mown my lawns, I haven't read a book, I haven't even watched the tv!
But if someone is here with me you would think that I am doing fine. I laugh, I talk, I function.
Please can someone explain why this grieving process gets harder and not easier?
I thought that I was doing okay by facing things asap - but actually that doesn't seem to have helped.
I want to be strong for my boys, they need me. They mustn't feel responsible for me because they must learn to live their own lives with this strange new normal which has been thrust upon them.
The girls have their families, which I hope helps them to cope because they too have to be strong for their children but they have their husbands to lean on, who can be strong for them.
My sister in law also has her husband to support her when she wobbles.
I love them all dearly and would be so lost without them - what I am missing is someone I can lean on - someone who is there to be strong for me. But that was Dave - and that is the reason that I am in this stupid state - he has died, he has gone and I miss him.
I'm lucky because I have my parents still but I have to be strong for them too.
They want so much to help but they are so far away and it is difficult to get them here - and would it really help if they were.
I have to go through this - I genuinely don't think that postponing it helps. So I come back to - Why is it getting harder and who really cares when I am sat on my bed at 3 o'clock in the afternoon unable to motivate myself.
The answer is God. My faith has not wobbled at all during all this past year - what has changed is that I find it hard to pray, read my bible or go to church but I know that God is there carrying me, gently supporting me.
So when people let me down, I bring them to God knowing that He will never leave me and that He has a plan for my life.
Sorry that this has been so negative - I think my counsellor would say that it is all part of the healing.
God Bless you all.
Just read my second ever blog - almost a year ago - it's amazing how much has changed.
I wonder will I ever be strong and cope on my own?
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