All it takes is a text or a short message on here to let someone know
that you care - so many do care, and I am truly blessed by the number
of people who are here for me, but so often it is those who we hope will
care that are too busy to reassure us. Can you tell that I'm having a
down day?
I have truly been amazed by the help and support that I
have received from unexpected quarters. Sometimes just a text or message
on Facebook that lets me know that I am not alone and that someone
somewhere is thinking about me. But somehow, when you feel down, raw,
tender and sensitive, that is not enough to counteract the
disappointment that comes from the fact that it is those I love who have
failed to be there.
I cannot begin to explain how much I am struggling or how disappointed I am in myself for not being stronger.
For example uless someone is physically here in the house with me I
find it almost impossible to walk out of the door. If I am on my own, I
find it hard to do anything especially if it requires thinking - which
is probably why I have done so little on here.
So I haven't cleaned my house, I haven't cooked myself a meal, I haven't mown my lawns, I haven't read a book, I haven't even watched the tv!
But if someone is here with me you would think that I am doing fine. I laugh, I talk, I function.
Please can someone explain why this grieving process gets harder and not easier?
I thought that I was doing okay by facing things asap - but actually that doesn't seem to have helped.
I
want to be strong for my boys, they need me. They mustn't feel
responsible for me because they must learn to live their own lives with
this strange new normal which has been thrust upon them.
The girls
have their families, which I hope helps them to cope because they too
have to be strong for their children but they have their husbands to
lean on, who can be strong for them.
My sister in law also has her husband to support her when she wobbles.
I
love them all dearly and would be so lost without them - what I am
missing is someone I can lean on - someone who is there to be strong for
me. But that was Dave - and that is the reason that I am in this stupid
state - he has died, he has gone and I miss him.
I'm lucky because I have my parents still but I have to be strong for them too.
They want so much to help but they are so far away and it is difficult to get them here - and would it really help if they were.
I
have to go through this - I genuinely don't think that postponing it
helps. So I come back to - Why is it getting harder and who really cares
when I am sat on my bed at 3 o'clock in the afternoon unable to
motivate myself.
The answer is God. My faith has not wobbled at all
during all this past year - what has changed is that I find it hard to
pray, read my bible or go to church but I know that God is there
carrying me, gently supporting me.
So when people let me down, I bring them to God knowing that He will never leave me and that He has a plan for my life.
Sorry that this has been so negative - I think my counsellor would say that it is all part of the healing.
God Bless you all.
Just read my second ever blog - almost a year ago - it's amazing how much has changed.
I wonder will I ever be strong and cope on my own?
No comments:
Post a Comment