I don't know how to start this because I feel as though I have been trying so hard not to think and to write you have to think.
It is nearly eight months since Dave died - don't know where the time has gone especially as I feel as though my life is on pause. I feel as though I am in a vacuum - nothing is real, there is no future to look forward to as it is just bleak because Dave is not there.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not suicidal or depressed and I still regularly count my blessings. Plus I am finally managing to think enough that I am turning my focus back towards God - being a bit more pro active instead of just expecting Him to carry me because I can't cope.
I always knew that December would be difficult, in a week's time it would have been Dave's birthday - hard to believe that two years ago we were busy planning his 70th birthday party with no hint of how much our world was going to explode and the devastation that would follow. We had nothing in our past to prepare us. We had been very blessed.
What I am really struggling with at the moment is that I feel weak and I feel so totally alone. I feel alone because I can't talk to anyone as openly as I used to talk to Dave - with everyone else there is an expectation, an angle, a side. Very rarely is there raw honesty.
So despite being with my parents (two of my blessings because I am 56 and still have them), having three absolutely awesome sons (three more blessings), having two wonderful step-daughters plus families (more blessings), awesome in-laws (more blessings) and an absolute plethora of friends who have been stoically at my side throughout (more blessings) I still feel alone because I can't say how I feel or what I think.
And then the weakness side of it - slightly complex and probably tinged with a big dollop of self pity.
As time passes I am discovering more tasks which I have responsibility for and which I am not ready to deal with - so I'm not - do you like my ostrich costume?
I'm avoiding doing things on my own if I can - even simple things like walking the dog or going to the shops or driving. These are only accomplished when there is no other option and no Get Out of Jail Free card.
Then when I have a migraine - loneliness and weakness kick in. Being ill on your own is not a good place. Far too many mixed emotions to even attempt to explain them!
But now let's come up to date to where the real self pitying weakness is.
When my mother in law was ill I went with Dave to visit. When she died I was with him to support him.
When Dave was ill I nursed him. I was at his side.
I didn't do it for glory or anything - I didn't think twice - it was just what I did because I loved him. As did all of his children.
Now I am with my parents. They are 89 and 90. They have so many things wrong with them they are walking miracles.
This visit though has made me very aware of their mortality and their limited time.
Having just cared for my husband and having had to watch him die because I couldn't do anything to stop it, I genuinely don't feel that I have the strength, physically or emotionally, to care for my parents and watch them die.
Especially as I would be "alone".
There won't be that special someone there to hug me and say "It will be okay" or "You're doing well".
I know all those people I mentioned before will be there but it's just not the same as having your partner there.
When Dad fell on Saturday - I needed Dave.
When the consultant basically said to Mum today that there was nothing they could do - I needed Dave.
This sort of need brings a reality, a poignancy, a hurting, a reality to your grief and sorrow in a way other landmarks and events haven't even come near to.
So here I am 3 weeks away from the first Christmas ever that I have not looked forward to wondering what my future is going to be like.
At the moment that future seems to be an incredibly frightening place, I have only just acknowledged that to myself, which is why I have been looking backwards and trying not to think.
So this is where I return to a more pro active faith - and have to try to believe the words I say and take ownership of them.
God does still have a plan for me, my life is not yet over even though it feels that it is and He will give me the strength to cope with any challenges that lie ahead.
And I need to realise that I am not alone because He is always there and he has sent so many angels to watch over me.
So I'm not sure that I have said all the things that were in my head when I started but I think it has helped.
Grief takes us all differently, time is relative and it is only those who have experienced it who truly realise that.
So I know there will be people thinking that it is time I moved on or pulled myself together and who will not be able to comprehend that it is actually worse now than it was at the start.
No comments:
Post a Comment