So life goes on

So life goes on and very little has happened but at the same time so much has happened. Life is such a rollercoaster of emotions. You cope with so much and yet the slightest comment or smallest event can cause an eruption or a collapse.
I wonder when everything started to go wrong - I thought I had a good life; that I was happy and content until I took to heart two comments that were spoken in passing this week.
The first was mention of a fulfilled life. So, what is a fulfilled life? I have had a job that I loved. I have raised a family - and my sons are truly amazing. They have already achieved so much more than I ever did; done things I have only dreamt of. They are not only more intelligent than I am they are also far more more responsible and sensible. They have a grasp on life that I never did and perhaps still don't.
But that is what I have done - but what haven't I done? I haven't prepared for this time of my life. I have no savings; no hobbies; no idea what to do; no self- confidence and no self esteem. So how should I fill my days? I cannot commit time on a regular basis to a worthwhile cause. There is a limit to how many books you can read or computer games you can play (no-one likes to play proper games with me). So how do I make my life fulfilled?
The other comment was tonight, while I was being less than charitable about a family member, when my son said, " But look at their life and what they're like."
So I thought  - they have been on numerous cruises; swum with dolphins,; holidayed in the Maldives; taken a helicopter over the Grand Canyon and the Serengeti; ridden on elephants; taken a limo journey in Las Vegas; they don't seem to worry about money; they holiday two or three times a year; they assume everyone will do as they want; they go out and they entertain; I could go on...... but jealousy is a bad trait.
It is so hard sometimes to look to the treasures that will last, that will not rust and cannot be stolen. It is hard not to be jealous of this life's treasures. It is when we are down and struggling that Satan preys on us most.
I am blessed as I know that there are many friends and prayer warriors out there protecting us in prayer - I cannot thank them enough.
I hope that I can be satisfied with what I have and not regret the things I haven't done; I hope that God will show me His purpose for this next phase of my existence. Perhaps my ramblings may even give hope to others who struggle too. So until the next time. maybe then we will have some results; some movement; some idea of what we are facing. Until then I pray that God will be my guide, my strength and that He will bless you all.

For Richer & Poorer, In Sickness & In Health

Marriage vows - an important part of the service but one that tends to be skipped over when you are thinking about your future together. When you're young and healthy with a whole working life ahead of you, the negative part of those couplets doesn't even register. That's not us, we're healthy, we have plenty of time to save for our retirement.
Then suddenly here we are - closer to death than birth - life hasn't gone as we thought.
We haven't managed to put aside savings - the decision was made that I wouldn't work so I could be there for our children. The money we did save was to help support the boys during uni - even then they will still be in debt when they finish.
So we've definitely got the poorer bit - maybe teaching wasn't such a brilliant career choice.
Now we have arrived at the "in sickness" section.
I think I could be a good carer - but I have to be honest about my weaknesses. I am not strong so no lifting. I am really not good at bodily functions - babies were bad enough - I even retch when I'm clearing he dog's poop in the garden!
But what about patience? On the whole I am very patient but just occassionally I erupt, which if you're not well you really don't want that.
I'm not sure exactly where we are in the sickness ralm. Firstly hearing aids now live in our home - once the initial period of adjustment that should mean an improvement. Although my paience is waning a bit.
Tomorrow we may - or may not - move forward with the other issues.
So how am I feeling - well I'm worried  but then I think of Paul - no not my cousin - the apostle!
He sang praises while he was in prison, he didn't know if he was going to die.
So I know I can trust God. He isn't Santa - He can say no and not yet; He sees things as they are and not as I think they should be; tomorrow is in God's hands.

So who do I talk to?

So my parents are really truly amazing in so many ways. Not all of them good but most of them are.
But today has not been a particularly good day for me - I think that they realise this but I'm not sure.
Tonight they ring; and I know it's childish but sometimes you just need your Mum and Dad to talk to, to tell your deepest thoughts and fears to, I don't want it very often because I know that they can't handle any more problems; they ask how we are - the most important information they want is what did we eat - but then they tell me everything that's going wrong with them - I admit it's far worse than what's cracking off here - so I don't mind.

But when Mum says, "Thank you, I've got no-one else to talk." I think, "So who do I talk to?"
Not my sons. they see things so differently (I think it's the scientific minds!)Also do I really want to say some of my thoughts to my boys - it wouldn't be fair on them. There again, I don't always want to hear some of the things my Mum says. No choice though.

Friends? No you can't say everything to them either.
So that's where faith comes in. 

Who can I talk to even when I don't have the words?
God of course.
Wouldn't cope without Him. He reminds to pray and praise always.
If Paul was able to rejoice in prison after being whipped I'm sure I can cope too.

Alcohol!!

So should you blog when you have had too much too drink?
I think the honest answer is no. Not sure that my typing will be up to scratch tonight.
Well number 2 son is home till Monday, which is really good.
Pressure off over hubby's health issues - going to see doctor on Wednesday - still no appointment for consultant.
 Still finding it very difficult to do everything - the question " Is this it?" still seems to be loitering around a bit too close.
All the younger generation seem to be doing all the things that I wanted to do - did I ever have that sort of freedom? I think not. The parents never really let go and cut the cords. And me? I always believed that they knew best. But at 55 I realise that they didn't but it's too late now for me. Trouble is they still haven't cut the cord and handed over the baton.
So here I am - hubby not brill and parents even worse. Missing sons. Where do my priorities lie? Who do I support first? Feel pulled in every direction!
Was strange earlier - was so close to tears - could hardly speak. But a bit of slit your wrists music on spotify and a fraction too much bubbly stuff and I feel okay - though I may crash out soon.
Definitely can't manage another glass - if sons weren't here would go to bed
When I was at college, training, I really thought that There would be more than this.
I know that I have three amazingly awesome sons but I thought that I would have had more.
Some how and some where I have cocked up big time.
I have many blessings, I love my family and my God but is it an even balance - NO.
off to bed now
Good night and God Bless
x

Keep calm and carry on

Well, I'm not exactly what you'd call a regular blogger.
Is it because I want it to be private from those who know me or is it because I don't think anyone would be interested

Is blogging for when you have no-one to talk to?

So, here we are again - four months later. It's a very good job that I'm not an author - I'd never get my best-seller finished!
I have really been looking forward to this summer. I finished working in June - youngest son would have finished school - is it possible? We are now a school free zone - how did that happen?
So much time, three and a half months, to visit all our family and friends and spend time at home doing all those jobs you never have time for when you're working.
Has it happened like that? No - of course not! And it's no-one's fault! I can't blame anyone.
Firstly, what happened - the rain!! Our one trip away for a 60th - lovely B&B with friends - we get flooded out - decide we need to head home so we don't get stuck.
Home actually - wasn't home - it was the parents' place to collect son and mad dog.
As we weren't meant to be there - brother, niece and partner are there. Fine, till they start drinking!
Big bro seems to think that a fun occupation is winding me up - reminding me what a plonker I was as a teenager - trying to embarrass me in front of youngest son and implying that all of my sons talk to him more than to me about their personal lives because I'm too 'something or the other' and they're not really as good as I think they are!!!
Do I believe this? No! But I still get upset - especially when the parents keep telling me what an amazing evening it is and we must repeat it soon!!
But then they start asking youngest son if he really wanted to go on a surfing holiday with said brother - they were under the impression that he would enjoy being with a lot of drunken peple he doesn't really know but I had stopped him!!
Thing is when your parents are very old and very ill - you can't say anything because you don't want to upset them.
I have to say it was one of the longest nights of my life - it's a good job I'm a Christian - I was so able to call on a power that is greater than me.
Anyway so we survive and get home - not relaxed as we had hoped but together.
The second problem is husband's health. This has been, initially gradual, but an immense deterioration over the last month.
He is unable to walk, bend and do a lot of the things he used to and the things he enjoys.
Trips to doctor has resulted in xray and MRI scan.
Now waiting to for an appointment with a neurologist. Have been waiting for over a week - don't know whether to worry.
Thirdly sister in law has had a malignant lump removed - waiting for the all clear.
So, here we are in August - not visited any of the family friends - except parents - I had hoped to.
No visits planned for the foreseeable future
Finding it very difficult to cope with all the extra tasks, stay calm, keep cheerful etc.

Faith is keeping my head above water - would truly have  drowned without it.
So here we are waiting .......