So alone

I hope that it doesn't seem as though I am always moaning. I am sure that there are many people who have reached my stage in life and think, "This isn't what I expected."
I'm not even sure that I envy the people who don't think that.
I can accept many things without complaint - well perhaps a little - but this lastest turn of events is definitely the most difficult.
I really was looking forward to some quality time with my husband - getting more involved with our church, our community, perhaps fostering, helping and caring for my parents, visiting friends and family and perhaps a holiday or two. Instead I watch him deteriorate daily, struggling to cope and to understand. I'm able to help physically, doing the food, dressing, drying and shopping but he won't share his emotions. I can't decide whether denial is positive or what. It helps him but I know that it doesn't help me. There are a lot of unpleasant issues which need sorting, which we need to discuss together while he is still fairly well not wait until it is too late. Things that I can't discuss with anyone else - finances; what happens when I can't cope physically with helping him into bed or when he can't eat properly and swallow; funeral;hospice, cars. I still haven't filled in the forms for carers allowance or tax benefit.
Into this we must try to live, make memories have fun but it's so difficult when all he wants to do is watch TV or do a sudoku.
I am more gregarious, I need company but I don't want to leave him. We are very blessed that we have so many friends who call round and just chatter.
I haven't even thought about Christmas - not sure how I'll get that organised as well as taking over the food.
Some days  I just want to find a hole and cry - other days I can talk candidly and openly in such a way that it might seem as though I don't care.
Last night I couldn't even send messages to my sons without tears streaming down my face - today I have met a friend for coffee and gone shopping without a tear in sight.
I think that the hardest part is feeling so alone. It doesn't matter how many friends and family are around or however much I actually do speak there is still so much that is left bottled up.

So tomorrow we go away, visiting family - first time staying away since diagnosis. No place to hide - brave face 24/7 - but at least I can try and relax a bit - build up my reserves.
With prayer and praise we will win through

This isn't what I had expected

So, here we are again, trying to put thoughts into words, expressing emotions for all the world to see in an attempt  to cleanse ourselves and prevent ourselves from going mad.
I genuinely don't know how much more I can cope with.
Firstly - the most devastating news imaginable - my husband has an incurable degenerative illness - motor neurone disease. So you try to get your head round it whilst trying to be positive and deal with the ever changing circumstances. Add to that the fact that all my sons have finally left home for uni - so I have to deal with this all alone because my husband won't accept the diagnosis.
So I wonder about what the future will hold and am I strong enough to cope - emotionally and physically.
I want to cry but where and how - I don't want Dave to know. Pressure builds - so head hurts.
Then as it all starts to fall to pieces - two close friends lose a parent - making me realise how frail mine are but they're so far away and I can't care for them and my husband and I could lose them all within the next 2 - 5 years - will I even have that long?
Then my cooker packs up, my washing machine doesn't spin properly, my fridge keeps filling with water as it defrosts itself, I want to tell someone how I feel but don't want to moan and everyone has enough problems of their own.
I'm really not coping with trying to do everything and being strong for everyone. Christmas needs to be sorted, visits need to be done, I can't go out and do my own thing or the things I would have normally done. I feel like a headless chicken. I want to cry all the time - I don't want to think but I have to - someone has to. No-one really understands - they couldn't.
I can't cope with any more emotion - I cry at the thought of putting my dog in the kennels - my emotions don't seem to count though - everyone thinks I'm being silly.
I need a release - contact with people - the outside world - so I use the ever present social network but apparently I comment too much - straw which broke camel's back - kick someone when they're down and prove that you don't understand.
I know God is out there, I know He cares, I know He wants us to stand strong and praise Him and believe me I'm trying but I am failing full scale. I want a hole that I can crawl in to.
I have never felt like this in my life - I would rather it was me than have to watch him suffer. I am so scared and feel so alone. So maybe I need to tell the world - maybe I can help others by being honest about how I feel - I can't be an ostrich - this is real - and God will take Dave and I through it but I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve - so if you are reading this - sorry and thank you. Please feel free to comment and to pray for us.
 

So life goes on

So life goes on and very little has happened but at the same time so much has happened. Life is such a rollercoaster of emotions. You cope with so much and yet the slightest comment or smallest event can cause an eruption or a collapse.
I wonder when everything started to go wrong - I thought I had a good life; that I was happy and content until I took to heart two comments that were spoken in passing this week.
The first was mention of a fulfilled life. So, what is a fulfilled life? I have had a job that I loved. I have raised a family - and my sons are truly amazing. They have already achieved so much more than I ever did; done things I have only dreamt of. They are not only more intelligent than I am they are also far more more responsible and sensible. They have a grasp on life that I never did and perhaps still don't.
But that is what I have done - but what haven't I done? I haven't prepared for this time of my life. I have no savings; no hobbies; no idea what to do; no self- confidence and no self esteem. So how should I fill my days? I cannot commit time on a regular basis to a worthwhile cause. There is a limit to how many books you can read or computer games you can play (no-one likes to play proper games with me). So how do I make my life fulfilled?
The other comment was tonight, while I was being less than charitable about a family member, when my son said, " But look at their life and what they're like."
So I thought  - they have been on numerous cruises; swum with dolphins,; holidayed in the Maldives; taken a helicopter over the Grand Canyon and the Serengeti; ridden on elephants; taken a limo journey in Las Vegas; they don't seem to worry about money; they holiday two or three times a year; they assume everyone will do as they want; they go out and they entertain; I could go on...... but jealousy is a bad trait.
It is so hard sometimes to look to the treasures that will last, that will not rust and cannot be stolen. It is hard not to be jealous of this life's treasures. It is when we are down and struggling that Satan preys on us most.
I am blessed as I know that there are many friends and prayer warriors out there protecting us in prayer - I cannot thank them enough.
I hope that I can be satisfied with what I have and not regret the things I haven't done; I hope that God will show me His purpose for this next phase of my existence. Perhaps my ramblings may even give hope to others who struggle too. So until the next time. maybe then we will have some results; some movement; some idea of what we are facing. Until then I pray that God will be my guide, my strength and that He will bless you all.

For Richer & Poorer, In Sickness & In Health

Marriage vows - an important part of the service but one that tends to be skipped over when you are thinking about your future together. When you're young and healthy with a whole working life ahead of you, the negative part of those couplets doesn't even register. That's not us, we're healthy, we have plenty of time to save for our retirement.
Then suddenly here we are - closer to death than birth - life hasn't gone as we thought.
We haven't managed to put aside savings - the decision was made that I wouldn't work so I could be there for our children. The money we did save was to help support the boys during uni - even then they will still be in debt when they finish.
So we've definitely got the poorer bit - maybe teaching wasn't such a brilliant career choice.
Now we have arrived at the "in sickness" section.
I think I could be a good carer - but I have to be honest about my weaknesses. I am not strong so no lifting. I am really not good at bodily functions - babies were bad enough - I even retch when I'm clearing he dog's poop in the garden!
But what about patience? On the whole I am very patient but just occassionally I erupt, which if you're not well you really don't want that.
I'm not sure exactly where we are in the sickness ralm. Firstly hearing aids now live in our home - once the initial period of adjustment that should mean an improvement. Although my paience is waning a bit.
Tomorrow we may - or may not - move forward with the other issues.
So how am I feeling - well I'm worried  but then I think of Paul - no not my cousin - the apostle!
He sang praises while he was in prison, he didn't know if he was going to die.
So I know I can trust God. He isn't Santa - He can say no and not yet; He sees things as they are and not as I think they should be; tomorrow is in God's hands.

So who do I talk to?

So my parents are really truly amazing in so many ways. Not all of them good but most of them are.
But today has not been a particularly good day for me - I think that they realise this but I'm not sure.
Tonight they ring; and I know it's childish but sometimes you just need your Mum and Dad to talk to, to tell your deepest thoughts and fears to, I don't want it very often because I know that they can't handle any more problems; they ask how we are - the most important information they want is what did we eat - but then they tell me everything that's going wrong with them - I admit it's far worse than what's cracking off here - so I don't mind.

But when Mum says, "Thank you, I've got no-one else to talk." I think, "So who do I talk to?"
Not my sons. they see things so differently (I think it's the scientific minds!)Also do I really want to say some of my thoughts to my boys - it wouldn't be fair on them. There again, I don't always want to hear some of the things my Mum says. No choice though.

Friends? No you can't say everything to them either.
So that's where faith comes in. 

Who can I talk to even when I don't have the words?
God of course.
Wouldn't cope without Him. He reminds to pray and praise always.
If Paul was able to rejoice in prison after being whipped I'm sure I can cope too.

Alcohol!!

So should you blog when you have had too much too drink?
I think the honest answer is no. Not sure that my typing will be up to scratch tonight.
Well number 2 son is home till Monday, which is really good.
Pressure off over hubby's health issues - going to see doctor on Wednesday - still no appointment for consultant.
 Still finding it very difficult to do everything - the question " Is this it?" still seems to be loitering around a bit too close.
All the younger generation seem to be doing all the things that I wanted to do - did I ever have that sort of freedom? I think not. The parents never really let go and cut the cords. And me? I always believed that they knew best. But at 55 I realise that they didn't but it's too late now for me. Trouble is they still haven't cut the cord and handed over the baton.
So here I am - hubby not brill and parents even worse. Missing sons. Where do my priorities lie? Who do I support first? Feel pulled in every direction!
Was strange earlier - was so close to tears - could hardly speak. But a bit of slit your wrists music on spotify and a fraction too much bubbly stuff and I feel okay - though I may crash out soon.
Definitely can't manage another glass - if sons weren't here would go to bed
When I was at college, training, I really thought that There would be more than this.
I know that I have three amazingly awesome sons but I thought that I would have had more.
Some how and some where I have cocked up big time.
I have many blessings, I love my family and my God but is it an even balance - NO.
off to bed now
Good night and God Bless
x

Keep calm and carry on

Well, I'm not exactly what you'd call a regular blogger.
Is it because I want it to be private from those who know me or is it because I don't think anyone would be interested