Mmm, alcohol and blogging are too inter related for my liking.
I don't think I have ever in my whole life drunk a whole bottle of wine before - made me confess things to people, say things that I didn't mean to say
Learnt again that my sons are much better people than I ever was
I love my family more than I could ever explain.
I love to spend time with them, would love to get them all together.
Had a great holiday a couple of years ago - only a few people missing - then everyone together for Dave's 70th last year
I would genuinely give anything and everything to get everyone together this Christmas but it's not going to happen.
I have had a very blessed life - my blessings still outweigh my problems
Pray and praise always - confess our sins - in this case drink
New day - new start - God bless
Saturday, 22 December 2012
Sunday, 16 December 2012
Nearly Christmas
So it's nearly Christmas - I love Christmas and yet it is the most stressful time of the year for me. Trying to buy presents while not spending too much money, food shopping, visiting family, keeping the house tidy. I'm trying to focus on the true meaning of Christmas - the birth of the Lord Jesus Christ - the greatest gift of all. I just don't feel festive and yet I am determined that this will be a great Christmas.
It may not be our last and yet it may - but it will be our last 'normal' Christmas.
Dave is already struggling to eat, breathe and speak.
What is difficult alone is also hard with family because you cannot protect them or hide the stark reality.
I know alcohol is not the answer but sometimes it is so tempting.
I should pray but sometimes that is so hard.
I need support more than ever before but know that I must offer it to others.
I so want my family around me - not just the sons, bur parents, step daughters, brother and sister in law
But that is harder than not having them.
MND is really awful - no-one tells you about the staying awake at night listening to your loved one struggling to breathe, feeling helpless when they are struggling to eat and speak and are in pain.
You're not warned about the guilt you feel when you don't want them to suffer and that when you pray for healing it might not be the sort of healing that you want. You're not told how tired and helpless you will feel.
You want to take their place but can't.
You can't talk to them because they are in denial.
You can't watch the TV progs that you used to because they contain death.
It is all so bad - yet I will resist the depresson and focus on God and look for the positive. I will never be prepared.
I will try to be strong.
I will share my faith.
I will love my husband
Happy Christmas everyone.
It may not be our last and yet it may - but it will be our last 'normal' Christmas.
Dave is already struggling to eat, breathe and speak.
What is difficult alone is also hard with family because you cannot protect them or hide the stark reality.
I know alcohol is not the answer but sometimes it is so tempting.
I should pray but sometimes that is so hard.
I need support more than ever before but know that I must offer it to others.
I so want my family around me - not just the sons, bur parents, step daughters, brother and sister in law
But that is harder than not having them.
MND is really awful - no-one tells you about the staying awake at night listening to your loved one struggling to breathe, feeling helpless when they are struggling to eat and speak and are in pain.
You're not warned about the guilt you feel when you don't want them to suffer and that when you pray for healing it might not be the sort of healing that you want. You're not told how tired and helpless you will feel.
You want to take their place but can't.
You can't talk to them because they are in denial.
You can't watch the TV progs that you used to because they contain death.
It is all so bad - yet I will resist the depresson and focus on God and look for the positive. I will never be prepared.
I will try to be strong.
I will share my faith.
I will love my husband
Happy Christmas everyone.
Thursday, 29 November 2012
Keeping faith
Life really can be a rollercoaster sometimes - mine at the moment feels more like a bungee jump :-(
I even feel occasionally that I've crashed into the ground and am waiting for the rope to contract again and lift me up.
Is it normal to have so many negative thoughts and then to feel so guilty.
I want a normal life back but it's not going to happen.
My husband has MND and we need to come to terms with it.
He deals with it by not talking about it; semi denying it and cocooning himself in a bubble. Which would be fine but he is not the only one dealing with it. The whole family is still reeling.
The hardest thing is how quickly things have changed.
A year ago he played golf four times a week, did the gardening, the decorating, the cooking and we walked the dog together.
Now he is unable to do any of them.He struggles to walk to the car, food causes all kinds of problems - not just with swallowing.
Although we only had the diagnosis three months ago he has obviously been suffering for longer.
I have no idea what to expect, how long we have.
I don't know what scares me most - him dying quickly or him going on for years deteriorating and suffering.
I feel I ought to cope but I'm already struggling. We've had visitors for four days which has been wonderful - not just because they came to drive us to the appointment at Nottingham but it gives me a bit of shared responsibility for a while and enables me to catch my breath.
While they have been with us Dave has been fine, they leave and chaos ensues. Dave told the staff that he was constipated and he was really worried - prescription sorted but luckily unavailable.
Tonight I have a lot of extra washing. So here I am sitting up while he sleeps in his chair which is warmer and more relaxed until I'm sure that his stomach is settled.
Why do these things happen when we're alone?
I really want a hug - he doesn't do that anymore - I'm lucky if he holds my hand and I'm desperate for a kiss.
I love him so much but I can't reach him.
I have lots of wonderful friends and a fantastic family but who do you talk to at 12.30 in the morning when all you want to do is sleep and cry? Who do you ask for advice?
How do you stay strong for everyone else? How do I support and care when I don't know what to do?
My head is splitting and I want to cry.
It's said that God doesn't give you more than you can cope with - I feel He has over-estimated my capabilities.
It is also said that when I am weak He is strong - I really hope so.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - I must hold that in my mind and my heart.
It's at these moments that I realise how important it is to to both pray and praise, and I have done precious little of either recently. It's a good job that God forgives.
So now I must make the decisions - ones that are beneficial for both Dave and me.So I think it's time to take him up to bed and try to get some sleep for myself as well.
God Bless.
People obviously read this - so please comment - perhaps we could help each other.
I even feel occasionally that I've crashed into the ground and am waiting for the rope to contract again and lift me up.
Is it normal to have so many negative thoughts and then to feel so guilty.
I want a normal life back but it's not going to happen.
My husband has MND and we need to come to terms with it.
He deals with it by not talking about it; semi denying it and cocooning himself in a bubble. Which would be fine but he is not the only one dealing with it. The whole family is still reeling.
The hardest thing is how quickly things have changed.
A year ago he played golf four times a week, did the gardening, the decorating, the cooking and we walked the dog together.
Now he is unable to do any of them.He struggles to walk to the car, food causes all kinds of problems - not just with swallowing.
Although we only had the diagnosis three months ago he has obviously been suffering for longer.
I have no idea what to expect, how long we have.
I don't know what scares me most - him dying quickly or him going on for years deteriorating and suffering.
I feel I ought to cope but I'm already struggling. We've had visitors for four days which has been wonderful - not just because they came to drive us to the appointment at Nottingham but it gives me a bit of shared responsibility for a while and enables me to catch my breath.
While they have been with us Dave has been fine, they leave and chaos ensues. Dave told the staff that he was constipated and he was really worried - prescription sorted but luckily unavailable.
Tonight I have a lot of extra washing. So here I am sitting up while he sleeps in his chair which is warmer and more relaxed until I'm sure that his stomach is settled.
Why do these things happen when we're alone?
I really want a hug - he doesn't do that anymore - I'm lucky if he holds my hand and I'm desperate for a kiss.
I love him so much but I can't reach him.
I have lots of wonderful friends and a fantastic family but who do you talk to at 12.30 in the morning when all you want to do is sleep and cry? Who do you ask for advice?
How do you stay strong for everyone else? How do I support and care when I don't know what to do?
My head is splitting and I want to cry.
It's said that God doesn't give you more than you can cope with - I feel He has over-estimated my capabilities.
It is also said that when I am weak He is strong - I really hope so.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - I must hold that in my mind and my heart.
It's at these moments that I realise how important it is to to both pray and praise, and I have done precious little of either recently. It's a good job that God forgives.
So now I must make the decisions - ones that are beneficial for both Dave and me.So I think it's time to take him up to bed and try to get some sleep for myself as well.
God Bless.
People obviously read this - so please comment - perhaps we could help each other.
Friday, 16 November 2012
What Comes Next
I'm really not sure that blogging after all the wine I've consumed tonight is such a good idea but am actually in a situation where I'm able to sit and type.
Have had an amazing time recently - visiting family. Learnt that it really helps to share the responsibility and that occasionally I need a drink and to catch up on sleep.
This last visit though has been really difficult. down with the parents - Mother is 88 and Dad is 89 - husband is 70.
Bizarre situation - who will go first? Can I cope? Probably not.
I decided at the age of 5 that nursing wasn't for me - not good with suffering and dire with blood - so why at the age of 55 am I suddenly caring for 3 extremely poorly people?
I love them all so much and it is so hard to cope with their suffering and try to stay positive.
So just occasionally - a long walk with Elly and an excess of alcohol is needed.
There are just so many things to sort out - wills; living wills; funerals; what happens afterwards?; can I afford to stay where I am?; do we need to make changes to our house? I could go on but what's the point? He won't talk about it - I will just have to cope and deal with everything as it comes.
I actually thought today that when it's all over I would quite to live down here just not sure if it's possible.
I know I have an amazing network in the Midlands but it's still North to me and walking elly by the sea is millions better than walking her through the mud.
Motor neuron disease can't be the only illness that turns peoples' lives upside down. It's so sad that you only appreciate what others may have been through when you find yourself there.
It is still so important to count blessings though. I have had a great time visiting our sons, staying with my step daughter - who is also a fantastic friend .
Whatever happend - God is in control and he will take care of all us - so time for prayers and bed.
God Bless and please - if I have made you think - please comment
Have had an amazing time recently - visiting family. Learnt that it really helps to share the responsibility and that occasionally I need a drink and to catch up on sleep.
This last visit though has been really difficult. down with the parents - Mother is 88 and Dad is 89 - husband is 70.
Bizarre situation - who will go first? Can I cope? Probably not.
I decided at the age of 5 that nursing wasn't for me - not good with suffering and dire with blood - so why at the age of 55 am I suddenly caring for 3 extremely poorly people?
I love them all so much and it is so hard to cope with their suffering and try to stay positive.
So just occasionally - a long walk with Elly and an excess of alcohol is needed.
There are just so many things to sort out - wills; living wills; funerals; what happens afterwards?; can I afford to stay where I am?; do we need to make changes to our house? I could go on but what's the point? He won't talk about it - I will just have to cope and deal with everything as it comes.
I actually thought today that when it's all over I would quite to live down here just not sure if it's possible.
I know I have an amazing network in the Midlands but it's still North to me and walking elly by the sea is millions better than walking her through the mud.
Motor neuron disease can't be the only illness that turns peoples' lives upside down. It's so sad that you only appreciate what others may have been through when you find yourself there.
It is still so important to count blessings though. I have had a great time visiting our sons, staying with my step daughter - who is also a fantastic friend .
Whatever happend - God is in control and he will take care of all us - so time for prayers and bed.
God Bless and please - if I have made you think - please comment
Wednesday, 31 October 2012
So alone
I hope that it doesn't seem as though I am always moaning. I am sure that there are many people who have reached my stage in life and think, "This isn't what I expected."
I'm not even sure that I envy the people who don't think that.
I can accept many things without complaint - well perhaps a little - but this lastest turn of events is definitely the most difficult.
I really was looking forward to some quality time with my husband - getting more involved with our church, our community, perhaps fostering, helping and caring for my parents, visiting friends and family and perhaps a holiday or two. Instead I watch him deteriorate daily, struggling to cope and to understand. I'm able to help physically, doing the food, dressing, drying and shopping but he won't share his emotions. I can't decide whether denial is positive or what. It helps him but I know that it doesn't help me. There are a lot of unpleasant issues which need sorting, which we need to discuss together while he is still fairly well not wait until it is too late. Things that I can't discuss with anyone else - finances; what happens when I can't cope physically with helping him into bed or when he can't eat properly and swallow; funeral;hospice, cars. I still haven't filled in the forms for carers allowance or tax benefit.
Into this we must try to live, make memories have fun but it's so difficult when all he wants to do is watch TV or do a sudoku.
I am more gregarious, I need company but I don't want to leave him. We are very blessed that we have so many friends who call round and just chatter.
I haven't even thought about Christmas - not sure how I'll get that organised as well as taking over the food.
Some days I just want to find a hole and cry - other days I can talk candidly and openly in such a way that it might seem as though I don't care.
Last night I couldn't even send messages to my sons without tears streaming down my face - today I have met a friend for coffee and gone shopping without a tear in sight.
I think that the hardest part is feeling so alone. It doesn't matter how many friends and family are around or however much I actually do speak there is still so much that is left bottled up.
So tomorrow we go away, visiting family - first time staying away since diagnosis. No place to hide - brave face 24/7 - but at least I can try and relax a bit - build up my reserves.
With prayer and praise we will win through
I'm not even sure that I envy the people who don't think that.
I can accept many things without complaint - well perhaps a little - but this lastest turn of events is definitely the most difficult.
I really was looking forward to some quality time with my husband - getting more involved with our church, our community, perhaps fostering, helping and caring for my parents, visiting friends and family and perhaps a holiday or two. Instead I watch him deteriorate daily, struggling to cope and to understand. I'm able to help physically, doing the food, dressing, drying and shopping but he won't share his emotions. I can't decide whether denial is positive or what. It helps him but I know that it doesn't help me. There are a lot of unpleasant issues which need sorting, which we need to discuss together while he is still fairly well not wait until it is too late. Things that I can't discuss with anyone else - finances; what happens when I can't cope physically with helping him into bed or when he can't eat properly and swallow; funeral;hospice, cars. I still haven't filled in the forms for carers allowance or tax benefit.
Into this we must try to live, make memories have fun but it's so difficult when all he wants to do is watch TV or do a sudoku.
I am more gregarious, I need company but I don't want to leave him. We are very blessed that we have so many friends who call round and just chatter.
I haven't even thought about Christmas - not sure how I'll get that organised as well as taking over the food.
Some days I just want to find a hole and cry - other days I can talk candidly and openly in such a way that it might seem as though I don't care.
Last night I couldn't even send messages to my sons without tears streaming down my face - today I have met a friend for coffee and gone shopping without a tear in sight.
I think that the hardest part is feeling so alone. It doesn't matter how many friends and family are around or however much I actually do speak there is still so much that is left bottled up.
So tomorrow we go away, visiting family - first time staying away since diagnosis. No place to hide - brave face 24/7 - but at least I can try and relax a bit - build up my reserves.
With prayer and praise we will win through
Sunday, 28 October 2012
This isn't what I had expected
So, here we are again, trying to put thoughts into words, expressing emotions for all the world to see in an attempt to cleanse ourselves and prevent ourselves from going mad.
I genuinely don't know how much more I can cope with.
Firstly - the most devastating news imaginable - my husband has an incurable degenerative illness - motor neurone disease. So you try to get your head round it whilst trying to be positive and deal with the ever changing circumstances. Add to that the fact that all my sons have finally left home for uni - so I have to deal with this all alone because my husband won't accept the diagnosis.
So I wonder about what the future will hold and am I strong enough to cope - emotionally and physically.
I want to cry but where and how - I don't want Dave to know. Pressure builds - so head hurts.
Then as it all starts to fall to pieces - two close friends lose a parent - making me realise how frail mine are but they're so far away and I can't care for them and my husband and I could lose them all within the next 2 - 5 years - will I even have that long?
Then my cooker packs up, my washing machine doesn't spin properly, my fridge keeps filling with water as it defrosts itself, I want to tell someone how I feel but don't want to moan and everyone has enough problems of their own.
I'm really not coping with trying to do everything and being strong for everyone. Christmas needs to be sorted, visits need to be done, I can't go out and do my own thing or the things I would have normally done. I feel like a headless chicken. I want to cry all the time - I don't want to think but I have to - someone has to. No-one really understands - they couldn't.
I can't cope with any more emotion - I cry at the thought of putting my dog in the kennels - my emotions don't seem to count though - everyone thinks I'm being silly.
I need a release - contact with people - the outside world - so I use the ever present social network but apparently I comment too much - straw which broke camel's back - kick someone when they're down and prove that you don't understand.
I know God is out there, I know He cares, I know He wants us to stand strong and praise Him and believe me I'm trying but I am failing full scale. I want a hole that I can crawl in to.
I have never felt like this in my life - I would rather it was me than have to watch him suffer. I am so scared and feel so alone. So maybe I need to tell the world - maybe I can help others by being honest about how I feel - I can't be an ostrich - this is real - and God will take Dave and I through it but I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve - so if you are reading this - sorry and thank you. Please feel free to comment and to pray for us.
I genuinely don't know how much more I can cope with.
Firstly - the most devastating news imaginable - my husband has an incurable degenerative illness - motor neurone disease. So you try to get your head round it whilst trying to be positive and deal with the ever changing circumstances. Add to that the fact that all my sons have finally left home for uni - so I have to deal with this all alone because my husband won't accept the diagnosis.
So I wonder about what the future will hold and am I strong enough to cope - emotionally and physically.
I want to cry but where and how - I don't want Dave to know. Pressure builds - so head hurts.
Then as it all starts to fall to pieces - two close friends lose a parent - making me realise how frail mine are but they're so far away and I can't care for them and my husband and I could lose them all within the next 2 - 5 years - will I even have that long?
Then my cooker packs up, my washing machine doesn't spin properly, my fridge keeps filling with water as it defrosts itself, I want to tell someone how I feel but don't want to moan and everyone has enough problems of their own.
I'm really not coping with trying to do everything and being strong for everyone. Christmas needs to be sorted, visits need to be done, I can't go out and do my own thing or the things I would have normally done. I feel like a headless chicken. I want to cry all the time - I don't want to think but I have to - someone has to. No-one really understands - they couldn't.
I can't cope with any more emotion - I cry at the thought of putting my dog in the kennels - my emotions don't seem to count though - everyone thinks I'm being silly.
I need a release - contact with people - the outside world - so I use the ever present social network but apparently I comment too much - straw which broke camel's back - kick someone when they're down and prove that you don't understand.
I know God is out there, I know He cares, I know He wants us to stand strong and praise Him and believe me I'm trying but I am failing full scale. I want a hole that I can crawl in to.
I have never felt like this in my life - I would rather it was me than have to watch him suffer. I am so scared and feel so alone. So maybe I need to tell the world - maybe I can help others by being honest about how I feel - I can't be an ostrich - this is real - and God will take Dave and I through it but I am a person who wears my heart on my sleeve - so if you are reading this - sorry and thank you. Please feel free to comment and to pray for us.
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
So life goes on
So life goes on and very little has happened but at the same time so much has happened. Life is such a rollercoaster of emotions. You cope with so much and yet the slightest comment or smallest event can cause an eruption or a collapse.
I wonder when everything started to go wrong - I thought I had a good life; that I was happy and content until I took to heart two comments that were spoken in passing this week.
The first was mention of a fulfilled life. So, what is a fulfilled life? I have had a job that I loved. I have raised a family - and my sons are truly amazing. They have already achieved so much more than I ever did; done things I have only dreamt of. They are not only more intelligent than I am they are also far more more responsible and sensible. They have a grasp on life that I never did and perhaps still don't.
But that is what I have done - but what haven't I done? I haven't prepared for this time of my life. I have no savings; no hobbies; no idea what to do; no self- confidence and no self esteem. So how should I fill my days? I cannot commit time on a regular basis to a worthwhile cause. There is a limit to how many books you can read or computer games you can play (no-one likes to play proper games with me). So how do I make my life fulfilled?
The other comment was tonight, while I was being less than charitable about a family member, when my son said, " But look at their life and what they're like."
So I thought - they have been on numerous cruises; swum with dolphins,; holidayed in the Maldives; taken a helicopter over the Grand Canyon and the Serengeti; ridden on elephants; taken a limo journey in Las Vegas; they don't seem to worry about money; they holiday two or three times a year; they assume everyone will do as they want; they go out and they entertain; I could go on...... but jealousy is a bad trait.
It is so hard sometimes to look to the treasures that will last, that will not rust and cannot be stolen. It is hard not to be jealous of this life's treasures. It is when we are down and struggling that Satan preys on us most.
I am blessed as I know that there are many friends and prayer warriors out there protecting us in prayer - I cannot thank them enough.
I hope that I can be satisfied with what I have and not regret the things I haven't done; I hope that God will show me His purpose for this next phase of my existence. Perhaps my ramblings may even give hope to others who struggle too. So until the next time. maybe then we will have some results; some movement; some idea of what we are facing. Until then I pray that God will be my guide, my strength and that He will bless you all.
I wonder when everything started to go wrong - I thought I had a good life; that I was happy and content until I took to heart two comments that were spoken in passing this week.
The first was mention of a fulfilled life. So, what is a fulfilled life? I have had a job that I loved. I have raised a family - and my sons are truly amazing. They have already achieved so much more than I ever did; done things I have only dreamt of. They are not only more intelligent than I am they are also far more more responsible and sensible. They have a grasp on life that I never did and perhaps still don't.
But that is what I have done - but what haven't I done? I haven't prepared for this time of my life. I have no savings; no hobbies; no idea what to do; no self- confidence and no self esteem. So how should I fill my days? I cannot commit time on a regular basis to a worthwhile cause. There is a limit to how many books you can read or computer games you can play (no-one likes to play proper games with me). So how do I make my life fulfilled?
The other comment was tonight, while I was being less than charitable about a family member, when my son said, " But look at their life and what they're like."
So I thought - they have been on numerous cruises; swum with dolphins,; holidayed in the Maldives; taken a helicopter over the Grand Canyon and the Serengeti; ridden on elephants; taken a limo journey in Las Vegas; they don't seem to worry about money; they holiday two or three times a year; they assume everyone will do as they want; they go out and they entertain; I could go on...... but jealousy is a bad trait.
It is so hard sometimes to look to the treasures that will last, that will not rust and cannot be stolen. It is hard not to be jealous of this life's treasures. It is when we are down and struggling that Satan preys on us most.
I am blessed as I know that there are many friends and prayer warriors out there protecting us in prayer - I cannot thank them enough.
I hope that I can be satisfied with what I have and not regret the things I haven't done; I hope that God will show me His purpose for this next phase of my existence. Perhaps my ramblings may even give hope to others who struggle too. So until the next time. maybe then we will have some results; some movement; some idea of what we are facing. Until then I pray that God will be my guide, my strength and that He will bless you all.
Monday, 13 August 2012
For Richer & Poorer, In Sickness & In Health
Marriage vows - an important part of the
service but one that tends to be skipped over when you are thinking
about your future together. When you're young and healthy with a whole
working life ahead of you, the negative part of those couplets doesn't
even register. That's not us, we're healthy, we have plenty of time to
save for our retirement.
Then suddenly here we are - closer to death than birth - life hasn't gone as we thought.
We haven't managed to put aside savings - the decision was made that I wouldn't work so I could be there for our children. The money we did save was to help support the boys during uni - even then they will still be in debt when they finish.
So we've definitely got the poorer bit - maybe teaching wasn't such a brilliant career choice.
Now we have arrived at the "in sickness" section.
I think I could be a good carer - but I have to be honest about my weaknesses. I am not strong so no lifting. I am really not good at bodily functions - babies were bad enough - I even retch when I'm clearing he dog's poop in the garden!
But what about patience? On the whole I am very patient but just occassionally I erupt, which if you're not well you really don't want that.
I'm not sure exactly where we are in the sickness ralm. Firstly hearing aids now live in our home - once the initial period of adjustment that should mean an improvement. Although my paience is waning a bit.
Tomorrow we may - or may not - move forward with the other issues.
So how am I feeling - well I'm worried but then I think of Paul - no not my cousin - the apostle!
He sang praises while he was in prison, he didn't know if he was going to die.
So I know I can trust God. He isn't Santa - He can say no and not yet; He sees things as they are and not as I think they should be; tomorrow is in God's hands.
Then suddenly here we are - closer to death than birth - life hasn't gone as we thought.
We haven't managed to put aside savings - the decision was made that I wouldn't work so I could be there for our children. The money we did save was to help support the boys during uni - even then they will still be in debt when they finish.
So we've definitely got the poorer bit - maybe teaching wasn't such a brilliant career choice.
Now we have arrived at the "in sickness" section.
I think I could be a good carer - but I have to be honest about my weaknesses. I am not strong so no lifting. I am really not good at bodily functions - babies were bad enough - I even retch when I'm clearing he dog's poop in the garden!
But what about patience? On the whole I am very patient but just occassionally I erupt, which if you're not well you really don't want that.
I'm not sure exactly where we are in the sickness ralm. Firstly hearing aids now live in our home - once the initial period of adjustment that should mean an improvement. Although my paience is waning a bit.
Tomorrow we may - or may not - move forward with the other issues.
So how am I feeling - well I'm worried but then I think of Paul - no not my cousin - the apostle!
He sang praises while he was in prison, he didn't know if he was going to die.
So I know I can trust God. He isn't Santa - He can say no and not yet; He sees things as they are and not as I think they should be; tomorrow is in God's hands.
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
So who do I talk to?
So my parents are really truly amazing in so many ways. Not all of them good but most of them are.
But today has not been a particularly good day for me - I think that they realise this but I'm not sure.
Tonight they ring; and I know it's childish but sometimes you just need your Mum and Dad to talk to, to tell your deepest thoughts and fears to, I don't want it very often because I know that they can't handle any more problems; they ask how we are - the most important information they want is what did we eat - but then they tell me everything that's going wrong with them - I admit it's far worse than what's cracking off here - so I don't mind.
But today has not been a particularly good day for me - I think that they realise this but I'm not sure.
Tonight they ring; and I know it's childish but sometimes you just need your Mum and Dad to talk to, to tell your deepest thoughts and fears to, I don't want it very often because I know that they can't handle any more problems; they ask how we are - the most important information they want is what did we eat - but then they tell me everything that's going wrong with them - I admit it's far worse than what's cracking off here - so I don't mind.
But when Mum says, "Thank you, I've got no-one else to talk." I think, "So who do I talk to?"
Not my sons. they see things so differently (I think it's the scientific minds!)Also do I really want to say some of my thoughts to my boys - it wouldn't be fair on them. There again, I don't always want to hear some of the things my Mum says. No choice though.
Not my sons. they see things so differently (I think it's the scientific minds!)Also do I really want to say some of my thoughts to my boys - it wouldn't be fair on them. There again, I don't always want to hear some of the things my Mum says. No choice though.
Friends? No you can't say everything to them either.
So that's where faith comes in.
So that's where faith comes in.
Who can I talk to even when I don't have the words?
God of course.
Wouldn't cope without Him. He reminds to pray and praise always.
If Paul was able to rejoice in prison after being whipped I'm sure I can cope too.
God of course.
Wouldn't cope without Him. He reminds to pray and praise always.
If Paul was able to rejoice in prison after being whipped I'm sure I can cope too.
Saturday, 4 August 2012
Alcohol!!
So should you blog when you have had too much too drink?
I think the honest answer is no. Not sure that my typing will be up to scratch tonight.
Well number 2 son is home till Monday, which is really good.
Pressure off over hubby's health issues - going to see doctor on Wednesday - still no appointment for consultant.
Still finding it very difficult to do everything - the question " Is this it?" still seems to be loitering around a bit too close.
All the younger generation seem to be doing all the things that I wanted to do - did I ever have that sort of freedom? I think not. The parents never really let go and cut the cords. And me? I always believed that they knew best. But at 55 I realise that they didn't but it's too late now for me. Trouble is they still haven't cut the cord and handed over the baton.
So here I am - hubby not brill and parents even worse. Missing sons. Where do my priorities lie? Who do I support first? Feel pulled in every direction!
Was strange earlier - was so close to tears - could hardly speak. But a bit of slit your wrists music on spotify and a fraction too much bubbly stuff and I feel okay - though I may crash out soon.
Definitely can't manage another glass - if sons weren't here would go to bed
When I was at college, training, I really thought that There would be more than this.
I know that I have three amazingly awesome sons but I thought that I would have had more.
Some how and some where I have cocked up big time.
I have many blessings, I love my family and my God but is it an even balance - NO.
off to bed now
Good night and God Bless
x
I think the honest answer is no. Not sure that my typing will be up to scratch tonight.
Well number 2 son is home till Monday, which is really good.
Pressure off over hubby's health issues - going to see doctor on Wednesday - still no appointment for consultant.
Still finding it very difficult to do everything - the question " Is this it?" still seems to be loitering around a bit too close.
All the younger generation seem to be doing all the things that I wanted to do - did I ever have that sort of freedom? I think not. The parents never really let go and cut the cords. And me? I always believed that they knew best. But at 55 I realise that they didn't but it's too late now for me. Trouble is they still haven't cut the cord and handed over the baton.
So here I am - hubby not brill and parents even worse. Missing sons. Where do my priorities lie? Who do I support first? Feel pulled in every direction!
Was strange earlier - was so close to tears - could hardly speak. But a bit of slit your wrists music on spotify and a fraction too much bubbly stuff and I feel okay - though I may crash out soon.
Definitely can't manage another glass - if sons weren't here would go to bed
When I was at college, training, I really thought that There would be more than this.
I know that I have three amazingly awesome sons but I thought that I would have had more.
Some how and some where I have cocked up big time.
I have many blessings, I love my family and my God but is it an even balance - NO.
off to bed now
Good night and God Bless
x
Thursday, 2 August 2012
Keep calm and carry on
Well, I'm not exactly what you'd call a regular blogger.
Is it because I want it to be private from those who know me or is it because I don't think anyone would be interested
Is it because I want it to be private from those who know me or is it because I don't think anyone would be interested
Is blogging for when you have no-one to talk to?
So, here we are again - four months later. It's a very good job that I'm not an author - I'd never get my best-seller finished!
I have really been looking forward to this summer. I finished working in June - youngest son would have finished school - is it possible? We are now a school free zone - how did that happen?
So much time, three and a half months, to visit all our family and friends and spend time at home doing all those jobs you never have time for when you're working.
Has it happened like that? No - of course not! And it's no-one's fault! I can't blame anyone.
Firstly, what happened - the rain!! Our one trip away for a 60th - lovely B&B with friends - we get flooded out - decide we need to head home so we don't get stuck.
Home actually - wasn't home - it was the parents' place to collect son and mad dog.
As we weren't meant to be there - brother, niece and partner are there. Fine, till they start drinking!
Big bro seems to think that a fun occupation is winding me up - reminding me what a plonker I was as a teenager - trying to embarrass me in front of youngest son and implying that all of my sons talk to him more than to me about their personal lives because I'm too 'something or the other' and they're not really as good as I think they are!!!
Do I believe this? No! But I still get upset - especially when the parents keep telling me what an amazing evening it is and we must repeat it soon!!
But then they start asking youngest son if he really wanted to go on a surfing holiday with said brother - they were under the impression that he would enjoy being with a lot of drunken peple he doesn't really know but I had stopped him!!
Thing is when your parents are very old and very ill - you can't say anything because you don't want to upset them.
I have to say it was one of the longest nights of my life - it's a good job I'm a Christian - I was so able to call on a power that is greater than me.
Anyway so we survive and get home - not relaxed as we had hoped but together.
The second problem is husband's health. This has been, initially gradual, but an immense deterioration over the last month.
He is unable to walk, bend and do a lot of the things he used to and the things he enjoys.
Trips to doctor has resulted in xray and MRI scan.
Now waiting to for an appointment with a neurologist. Have been waiting for over a week - don't know whether to worry.
Thirdly sister in law has had a malignant lump removed - waiting for the all clear.
So, here we are in August - not visited any of the family friends - except parents - I had hoped to.
No visits planned for the foreseeable future
Finding it very difficult to cope with all the extra tasks, stay calm, keep cheerful etc.
Faith is keeping my head above water - would truly have drowned without it.
So here we are waiting .......
I have really been looking forward to this summer. I finished working in June - youngest son would have finished school - is it possible? We are now a school free zone - how did that happen?
So much time, three and a half months, to visit all our family and friends and spend time at home doing all those jobs you never have time for when you're working.
Has it happened like that? No - of course not! And it's no-one's fault! I can't blame anyone.
Firstly, what happened - the rain!! Our one trip away for a 60th - lovely B&B with friends - we get flooded out - decide we need to head home so we don't get stuck.
Home actually - wasn't home - it was the parents' place to collect son and mad dog.
As we weren't meant to be there - brother, niece and partner are there. Fine, till they start drinking!
Big bro seems to think that a fun occupation is winding me up - reminding me what a plonker I was as a teenager - trying to embarrass me in front of youngest son and implying that all of my sons talk to him more than to me about their personal lives because I'm too 'something or the other' and they're not really as good as I think they are!!!
Do I believe this? No! But I still get upset - especially when the parents keep telling me what an amazing evening it is and we must repeat it soon!!
But then they start asking youngest son if he really wanted to go on a surfing holiday with said brother - they were under the impression that he would enjoy being with a lot of drunken peple he doesn't really know but I had stopped him!!
Thing is when your parents are very old and very ill - you can't say anything because you don't want to upset them.
I have to say it was one of the longest nights of my life - it's a good job I'm a Christian - I was so able to call on a power that is greater than me.
Anyway so we survive and get home - not relaxed as we had hoped but together.
The second problem is husband's health. This has been, initially gradual, but an immense deterioration over the last month.
He is unable to walk, bend and do a lot of the things he used to and the things he enjoys.
Trips to doctor has resulted in xray and MRI scan.
Now waiting to for an appointment with a neurologist. Have been waiting for over a week - don't know whether to worry.
Thirdly sister in law has had a malignant lump removed - waiting for the all clear.
So, here we are in August - not visited any of the family friends - except parents - I had hoped to.
No visits planned for the foreseeable future
Finding it very difficult to cope with all the extra tasks, stay calm, keep cheerful etc.
Faith is keeping my head above water - would truly have drowned without it.
So here we are waiting .......
Sunday, 8 April 2012
The Beginning of Blogging
Why is it that when you want time to go slowly it whizzes by so quickly. This Easter weekend for example:- all the boys are home,; we have a take-away, go out for a meal, Easter roast and that's it -gone!! Tomorrow back in the car and Goodbye!
Life seems to be more Goodbye than Hello as you get older.
Goodbye - you leave work: Goodbye - children leave home: Goodbye - family and friends die (well we are getting to THAT sort of age now).
We still want to say Hello - what is the saying - Strangers are just friends we haven't met yet.
But you get to our age and people don't want to meet you! You're a dinosaur! Boring! Past it! You're must be after something! You're not our sort!
I thought that when I got to this age I wouldn't care - I'd be confident, settled. I'd have done most of what I had hoped for when I was young and still have the energy, enthusiasm and money to do the rest.
But No - it's not like that at all. I still crave approval, acceptance and appreciation.
I thought I'd made all the right choices - always been sensible - thought of others before myself.
Don't get me wrong, I have a good life. I have a loving husband - the romance died ages ago. Three fantastic sons who have achieved more than I have already. A nice house - needs a bit of TLC (don't we all) but no funds available.
It is down to state of mind I suppose. Today I feel low because my boys go back tomorrow. I'm not normally so negative. I'm the one who's encouraging everyone else. The glass is always half full! So time to listen to my own advice - get on with what needs to be done, enjoy it and be proud of a job well done.
I'll smile at my boys tomorrow and remind them of how proud I am of them, how it's my job to get them to fly the nest and I really don't expect them to be home much. I'll even try to mean it but not sure I'll actually convince anyone.
Have a lovely Easter - if anyone reads this) back soon.
Life seems to be more Goodbye than Hello as you get older.
Goodbye - you leave work: Goodbye - children leave home: Goodbye - family and friends die (well we are getting to THAT sort of age now).
We still want to say Hello - what is the saying - Strangers are just friends we haven't met yet.
But you get to our age and people don't want to meet you! You're a dinosaur! Boring! Past it! You're must be after something! You're not our sort!
I thought that when I got to this age I wouldn't care - I'd be confident, settled. I'd have done most of what I had hoped for when I was young and still have the energy, enthusiasm and money to do the rest.
But No - it's not like that at all. I still crave approval, acceptance and appreciation.
I thought I'd made all the right choices - always been sensible - thought of others before myself.
Don't get me wrong, I have a good life. I have a loving husband - the romance died ages ago. Three fantastic sons who have achieved more than I have already. A nice house - needs a bit of TLC (don't we all) but no funds available.
It is down to state of mind I suppose. Today I feel low because my boys go back tomorrow. I'm not normally so negative. I'm the one who's encouraging everyone else. The glass is always half full! So time to listen to my own advice - get on with what needs to be done, enjoy it and be proud of a job well done.
I'll smile at my boys tomorrow and remind them of how proud I am of them, how it's my job to get them to fly the nest and I really don't expect them to be home much. I'll even try to mean it but not sure I'll actually convince anyone.
Have a lovely Easter - if anyone reads this) back soon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)